These last months have been hard, like really, really hard. The grand topper was being cussed out by two different people I barely know.

Breath.

Long story short.

I had to end a relationship with a friend due to a series of challenging behaviors where if I didn’t set certain boundaries, I felt like I was betraying my own dignity.

Like many people, we tend to share 1 sided stories with our friends, and in turn people who don’t know me well, empathized with her, by hating me.

I have always considered myself a really really good person. I am an empath and truly care about people and have compassion and understanding for even the most difficult peoples stories.

Even her.

BUT I’ve also gotten attached to wanting to prove my identity of being a “good person”.

I make myself really friendly with new people, I listen deeply to their story, I show them that I care, and underneath I would be devastated and indignant if they didn’t perceive me as a good person.

I constantly reevaluate my actions, analyze conflicts or misunderstandings and check in where I would have behaved in a way that was not ok and make amends if needed.

For me, having people hate me based on not understanding my story was absolutely terrible.

My first impulse was defense.

I ruminated for hours about all the reasons she was wrong and I was right.

My second impulse was to try and minimize my story to bare hard facts to justify my actions.

When that didn’t win them over, I realized no matter what I said, they had made up their mind.

I couldn’t persuade them because they had chosen a side.

So, I had to get used to people hating me for a reason that I knew wasn’t true and just sit with that.

My word to hold on to was integrity. I was standing up for my integrity and my truth.

But even then, that idea began to get old. Here I was attaching myself to an identity of being right and justified.

Is there shame in breaking off this friendship? Could I have showed more compassion? Could I have stretched my capacity for tolerance and understanding even more? Maybe.

I’m reading a book which I highly recommend called “Existential kink” by Carolyn Elliot.

It talks about embracing the part of ourselves that we push down, shame and try to suppress. It’s that inner voice that says “I’m not enough”, “I’m a bad person”, “I’m not worthy of love”, “life is hard”, etc.

Mine would be “I’m afraid of not being a good person”.

Unconsciously we try to fulfill the inner beliefs we have about ourselves and our world.

So, even if we consciously believe we are a good person because we do all these good, service oriented, kind things and everyone tells us how good we are… but we unconsciously are afraid of actually being a bad person, we will find ways to prove that belief.

So the idea is to get into that belief and not suppress it, because if we do, it will RULE our LIVES unconsciously.

We have to get in there and embrace that underlying belief, like kink… embracing the self flagellating, demeaning, shameful things we believe about ourselves and just learn to truly hold space for that part of our existence.

Once it has been truly seen and heard, it gives it the opportunity to shift.

In my story, I constantly wanted to be a good person because I was afraid that maybe I was actually bad.

I might have even unconsciously created this shitty situation because I wanted to learn boundaries, integrity and learn to be ok with not needing to identify as a “good person”.

When I FINALLY embraced the fact that this was so utterly important to me, I could Let go of it.

It’s hard having someone perceive you as bad, but I’m getting to be ok with that.

I don’t have to smile if I don’t feel like it or go that extra mile to make sure someone doesn’t have a pre-judgment about me. I can choose.

Often times I’ll smile or offer an extra service anyway because I genuinely do care about people, I know a heartfelt smile returns a smile and that feels good.

BUT I don’t NEED the external validation of being a GOOD person as much anymore.

TRY THIS

Check in and see why you do what you do. Instead of judging it, applaud it, embrace it, pat it on the back.

Eg. Oh there you go, cracking a joke and being loud for everyone to hear you because you’re really worried that people won’t like you.

It’s ok.

Eg. Look at you, getting all dressed up, overdoing it on the makeup and the new clothes because you want people to think you’re special.

It’s ok.

Eg. I just yelled at my boyfriend because he didn’t show me he loved me and I’m afraid that I’m not good enough to be loved.

IT'S OK.

When we get ok and can embrace those parts we don’t want others to see. Life gets a lot lighter.

No more extreme pressure to appear to be who we're not.

No need to suppress all those shadows and constantly create an entire strategy to avoid those parts ever being seen.

It’s ok.

All of you.

The self deprecating, longing for love, appreciation and value self is OK.

Sending my love to all those parts of you.