I read the words in the Poem by David Whyte “the step you don’t want to take” and I feel the rise of emotion, it rolls over my body, from my gut. Carly, what is the step you don’t want to take? Fear. I’m scared. It rushes over me, I cry as I attempt to type on my computer. I don’t even know why.
I am part of a weekly intention circle. Monday, 6 people encircled me, envisioning and holding me in their hearts:
Our intention for Carly Ko is that by Nov 5th she will receive divine clarity defining a vision of a scalable project that will provide lucrative financial income, (>10k/ month avg.) and fulfills her needs for adventure, creativity, ease, flexible travel, community, soul purpose and growth.
Wednesday, after a deep breath work session, my whole body vibrated as my arms and legs were spread open, flat on the floor in deep surrender. The message arrived, “you can have whatever you want.” I saw my self interconnected with the inter web of the entire world. You can have whatever you want, the message was clearer than day.
Today I receive a modeling casting for a 10 day booking on a cruise ship that will tour Antartica, Chile, or Columbia, Peru and Europe, paid 15,000 dollars. Possibly needing to do a cold plunge in icy water.
The prerequisite is having an “interesting look” and loving adventure. Both of those avenues are mine. I envision it, yes my whole body is on fire, I see myself plunging in that ice water and my endorphins and excitement shoot up my body.
Yes, this is something I want.
But will they pick me? I attempt to drop any attachment and just envision myself on that cruise ship watching glaciers go by.
I am just listening. I don’t know what I actually want, everything I’ve done in the past is amazing and I don’t want to repeat anything. How can I know what I want if the idea hasn’t presented itself to me?
One of my clients spoke to me about a project she was contemplating, supporting trauma survivors from sex trafficking in Guatemala and aiding the transition into another life in another country. Something in me perks up. I’m a trauma therapist, I want to help people, I want to travel, that sounds exciting. But also terribly heavy. No, I don’t think that’s what I want.
I could go sail the Polynesian islands and swim with the whales. But, I don’t know if I actually want to be on a small sail boat all the time in the middle of the ocean, what if I get land sick? You can’t make love on a sail boat if you’re a couple because someone always has to make sure the boat is sailing on course. That sounds frustrating. Maybe I don’t want that. I might get bored.
I can have whatever I want it said.
I realized in the intention circle as 6 people held me in their hearts meditating and holding my intention for 10 minutes that the word “undeserving” came over me. Do I deserve to have what I want? I felt the emotion of those words, I let go, those words don’t serve me anymore. A wave of release washes over through the tears.
I remembered my mother, I never thought she believed in me. Only I believed in me, only I struggled and pushed through life to get where I’m at now. No-one else believed in me. Only god believed in me, maybe. I had a qualm with him (her/ them/ it?) too.
There I was, in the middle of 6 people who believed in me. They saw me, they believed in me more than I could imagine, how lovely to lean back and surrender the burden of having to fight all odds believing in yourself when others could hold your back and do it for you when you were tired of holding yourself by the strings.
Now, god is saying, I can have whatever I want. It’s terrifying. It’s like Charlie and the chocolate factory, go in and eat whatever your heart desires, it’s all yours. But is it really true, is it all an illusion, where are the blockages, what about money? I asked the spirit of money what to do and it said it’s job is to circulate. Keep circulating.
I’m spending more than I would usually. I’m buying the luxury items I don’t need, a sexy card game, a series of colonics. Is a colonic a luxury!? Cleaning out the old to welcome in the new, halleluia.
I’m letting go of the old belief. I have to struggle to survive, I have to have the means, the logistical practical steps to get and have what I want.
What if I don’t need that? What if that is just old outdated trash stuck in my intestinal wall that has been lodged in there for years?
She said my colon was slow, it had a hard time to let go of the waste.
I’m ready to let go. I’m so ready to let things flow freely.
Keep circulating. Money, food, abundance, desire, intestinal waste…
The step I don’t want to take. I do. I do. I do.
I want to take that step that says you are allowed. You are allowed to have what you want. All you have to do is decide what you want.
As I sit typing in my ocean view home in Hawaii, I recognize I’m pretty close to what I want, I got here didn’t I? My dreams want to break out of their box of containment into the “what else is possible here!?”
What even greater unimaginable incredible thing is possible here?
Show me. My mind only knows that which it has experienced but my soul who crosses the boundaries of time tells me there is something beyond my imagination.
And the lesson is, be in the eternal now. The possibilities are endless yet the now must be regarded as infinitely rich and infinitely divine. I must be in the now to keep my brain from controlling the outcome. If I am to open to the possible I must be a blank canvas or an empty colon to receive (and circulate ;-) )
I’m listening.
I can feel the chilly wind from the cruise boat on my cheek with my down jacket keeping me cozy and warm as I lean over the railing like Kate Winslet in Titanic. Watching the icebergs go by (if they are not all melted by next month). I imagine the open calm sea, mysterious and tempting. You have no idea, Carly, of all that is possible.
It’s a grandiose life and there is so much more in store for you. I feel it vibrate in my bones, yes I’ll take the step with open arms, I’m showing up for it.
We are showing up for it.
Photo @Lucilla Elena