I’m not a rockstar
I'm about to bring you into a deep dive with me, are you ready?
I went to a healing circle a few weeks ago where a program I had ingrained in my identity was removed.
When I was young, I used to see the world as a hurtful, cold, mean place and my room was my only safe space. I would decorate it to make it beautiful, I would surround myself by my drawings, flowers, dolphins, colors that felt relaxing to me. I was safe there.
I ran away from my family environment and travelled the world for 20 years. Searching beauty, novelty, and excitement and lust for life. At the same time, being at home in my little world wherever I went, whether it was my camper, or redecorating my cheap 1$ room in India with scarves and rearranging the furniture to make it more visually beautiful and energetically peaceful, even if it was just for one night.
Wherever I would go, I would create my little bubble.
Even when I did street shows for 10 years, I would set up my scenography in the middle of the street, I’d set up the curtain, roll out the black and white linoleum and decorate with boas and colors so that I could invite people to watch and take part of the space that I had curated and that I felt at home in.
Me with platinum blond hair performing a street show in Italy.
Over time, I learned that I had gifts, talents and things that only I could offer.
The more I let myself open to the world and feel the world, the more pain I felt.
Being an HSP (hyper sensitive person), reading the news or seeing others suffering was excruciatingly painful to me. I cry when trees get cut down, I cry if I see someone else suffer, I cry when I feel people’s pain in their bodies when I give bodywork.
I feel WITH. I am connected to Freaking everything.
Luckily, I now know how to not energetically carry that with me and to let it pass through me.
When I came to California 4 years ago, I left my 8-year-old son with his Dad in France, because I was struggling with money, depression and a sense of smallness. I felt a call to be my GREATEST CONTRIBUTION to the world and that I couldn’t do it in that situation.
I thought California was the hub, the nucleus with branches that reached out to the rest of the world. I thought that this was the place where I could grow, expand and become big, so that I could share my gifts and resources to help the world to heal.
The twisting knife-like constant pain in my heart of not being near my son was compensated by believing that I am fulfilling the calling to be a bigger contribution to the world in the place where I would have the most opportunity financially and socially.
But now, after the healing circle, the question came up. Well, WHY!? Why do I need to heal the world, why do I need to be my greatest potential, why do I need people to receive my gifts? Why do I need to be BIG?
This revelation flipped my world upside down, 2 weeks struggling with waves of depression, lack of motivation, confusion, a sense of blankness around my identity.
If that isn’t my identity anymore, well, who am I and what am I doing here?
I feel the world and the process that is happening.
I created an online offering which is tomorrow called Healing Ritual; moving beyond the pandemic.
I had the desire to support people in healing and acknowledging the pain and trauma of the pandemic before being rushed into another distraction without properly closing the circle. I have so many tools to support this process, I KNOW how important it is. But no one, I mean NOOONE has signed up. (Hence it is Cancelled.)
This is a repetitive story. I see what is needed, I know I have the tools to help, and no one sees how they might need it. Instead of me being able to simply offer the gift (I’m not doing it for the money.) I find myself spending all this time doing the busy work of promotion to get people to understand why they might need something like this. In the end, I become the needy one. The one who needs people to show up for me so that I can offer a gift.
Well, “Fuck that,” says my deluded self. I’m going to stick to working 1:1 with people who actually pay 200$/hour who want to better their lives, who see the benefit of working with me and truly value the resources I have to offer.
I feel sad. I feel really, really sad. I don’t want people to hurt, I don’t want people to live unconsciously hurting others. I want to help more people on a massive scale, but it seems like that’s not what people want.
So here I am, ranting on my captive audience.
Why am I sharing all this?
Once again, my uncontrollable innate desire to support others and help people move towards a more beautiful life and world drives me. I want to validate my own authentic and vulnerable self to give others the opportunity to so also.
There is the bitter part of me who really wants to say FUCK THEM. I’m going to take care of myself because nobody wants what I have to offer anyway. Welcome back to childhood trauma, I was never told I was anything special and here I am trying to get someone to think I am.
I’m glad I’ve been able to transform and support my 1:1 clients. (And, when I do pull together group offerings, it’s incredible, powerful and people are deeply moved).
I wish I could transform the whole world, I always thought I have the energy of BONO of U2 when he sings In the name of love and 10,000 people sing it at the same time. But I guess my sad little heart will have to settle for not being a rock star and love 1 person or just a few at a time, the ones who actually need what I have to offer 1:1.
Sending care from this place of self-doubt and vulnerability. Guessing I’ll lose a few subscribers and a few clients who thought I was a rock star and had it all together.
Hi, it’s just me. I have a few tools. I’ve helped a few people. And I’m not a rock star.
Blessings. Carly