Letting go of the Struggle. This Thanksgiving...

Today I woke up and a client of mine had sent me this quote.

as my heart felt heavy, this quote made me recognize that all is right. I got the desire to cry and let go and express gratitude as I lay down my hands to what life may offer.

It has been a period of deep letting go.

Letting go of potentially being able to stay in my home. Maybe letting go of a 5 year relationship.

Letting go of my struggle, the fight, dealing with people that are suffering who treat me as their punching ball.

…Letting go of fighting.

I grew up thinking I could only make it alone in this world.

My mom didn’t defend me. My dad oppressed me.

I only had the deepest recesses of my mind to escape.

Deeply alone.

To talk was a struggle. To exist was a struggle. To be seen was a struggle. To feel safety was a struggle.

I lay down the struggle.

I built my whole belief system around this. If I wanted anything in life, I would make it happen.

• I could only look out for myself.

• I could only depend on myself.

• No one else was there for me.

And thus, I created a life that looked like that, where I had to be strong all the time.

I didn’t know how to receive others genuinely caring about me. I didn’t trust it. What would they want in return?

I didn’t understand the theory of loving just because I’m worth loving.

This month has been a laying down of all those old belief systems, that even though I have spent years overcoming them, the residue still shows up in situations in my life.

I’m letting go of the long arduous fights to be seen to get to the point of saying, I’m really worth being loved. Deeply. I don’t have to fight.

I don’t have to fight to find safety in this world.

I am safe.

I don’t have to fight to be good, be worthy, have value.

I am good. I am worthy. I have value.

It’s humbling.

It melts me.

I’m saying goodbye to all the toxic relationships, holding onto boundaries, saying stop before I’m pushed to the edge.
Because I’m not alone.

I’m here for me.

I’m here to stand up for the little girl who thought she had to fight to find a place in this world.

I am safe. I am loved and I deserve to receive love.

I write all this because I realize that in my fierce independence, I forget that people love me and that not only do I care deeply about my clients and friends, they actually care about me.

So, I want to thank you. I know some of you really well, and others barely.

In any case, somehow, we are in each other’s lives.

And I want to thank you, because it’s a hard life if we’re all alone.

I choose to receive your goodness and I thank you for being in my life.

Happy thanksgiving.

Here’s a song I wrote for you this Thanksgiving morn. Click on image to listen…

There is a stillness

There is a stillness

That arises underneath the storm. 🌪

When a space within the body is found and the pathway has been well travelled.

There is a pathway that knows the way. 🌄

…To find it’s way back home. 

At the top of heart mountain in Banff, Alberta CANADA

To the silent space, within the body, where the soul exists. ⭐️

In a simple vibration of being. 

Pulsating, vibrating. 

Pure energy. 

In alignment with all things. 

Where resistance lays down its arms. 

Where fear, anger, anxiety and stress do not exist. 

All just is. 

It is. 

There is no judgment, no need to change it, no need to fix it, no need to control it. 

Trusting the evolution of impermanence in a constant evolution of growth. 

The edge is our growth. 

Where we meet our resistance, our “negative” emotions, our triggers. 

That is where we meet our learning curve.

 It is there where we surrender and we allow ourselves to see what is within that is desperately crying out to heal. 

Don’t fight against feeling your edge. 

Don’t fight against feeling the swell of tightness and tension in the body. 

Don’t fight against those situations that you fear. 

They are there to teach you, to give tou the opportunity to see within them, to see within your deepest darkest shadows. 

To see the pain that has not been healed, to see the child desiring to finally grow up. 

To see the part that remembers that it is God. 

Your job is to uncover the blankets and filters that hide your light. 

Our job is to vibrate ever more brightly. 

Whether it be through service, or our own deep embrace of our selves. 

We are on a perpetual journey of expansion. Thus is the nature of all things. 

Only our brains and ego fight against it. The control. For control is safety. 

Safety. That is what our egos desire. What strategy has your genius brain come up with to make sure that you stay safe… that the environment is controlled to never have to push the edge of discomfort?

The edge of discomfort is the place of healing and growth. 

Can we find the stillness and the peace under the storm, knowing that is the way and we always will come through when we ALLOW the flow to move through us, when we drop the RESISTANCE?

Written with the help of the Akashic Records. 

Being comfortable with being bad ;-)

These last months have been hard, like really, really hard. The grand topper was being cussed out by two different people I barely know.

Breath.

Long story short.

I had to end a relationship with a friend due to a series of challenging behaviors where if I didn’t set certain boundaries, I felt like I was betraying my own dignity.

Like many people, we tend to share 1 sided stories with our friends, and in turn people who don’t know me well, empathized with her, by hating me.

I have always considered myself a really really good person. I am an empath and truly care about people and have compassion and understanding for even the most difficult peoples stories.

Even her.

BUT I’ve also gotten attached to wanting to prove my identity of being a “good person”.

I make myself really friendly with new people, I listen deeply to their story, I show them that I care, and underneath I would be devastated and indignant if they didn’t perceive me as a good person.

I constantly reevaluate my actions, analyze conflicts or misunderstandings and check in where I would have behaved in a way that was not ok and make amends if needed.

For me, having people hate me based on not understanding my story was absolutely terrible.

• My first impulse was defense.

I ruminated for hours about all the reasons she was wrong and I was right.

• My second impulse was to try and minimize my story to bare hard facts to justify my actions.

When that didn’t win them over, I realized no matter what I said, they had made up their mind.

I couldn’t persuade them because they had chosen a side.

So, I had to get used to people hating me for a reason that I knew wasn’t true and just sit with that.

My word to hold on to was integrity. I was standing up for my integrity and my truth.

But even then, that idea began to get old. Here I was attaching myself to an identity of being right and justified.
 

Is there shame in breaking off this friendship? Could I have showed more compassion? Could I have stretched my capacity for tolerance and understanding even more? Maybe.

I’m reading a book which I highly recommend called “Existential kink” by Carolyn Elliot.

It talks about embracing the part of ourselves that we push down, shame and try to suppress. It’s that inner voice that says “I’m not enough”, “I’m a bad person”, “I’m not worthy of love”, “life is hard”, etc.

Mine would be “I’m afraid of not being a good person”.

Unconsciously we try to fulfill the inner beliefs we have about ourselves and our world.

So, even if we consciously believe we are a good person because we do all these good, service oriented, kind things and everyone tells us how good we are… but we unconsciously are afraid of actually being a bad person, we will find ways to prove that belief.

So the idea is to get into that belief and not suppress it, because if we do, it will RULE our LIVES unconsciously.

We have to get in there and embrace that underlying belief, like kink… embracing the self flagellating, demeaning, shameful things we believe about ourselves and just learn to truly hold space for that part of our existence.

Once it has been truly seen and heard, it gives it the opportunity to shift.

In my story, I constantly wanted to be a good person because I was afraid that maybe I was actually bad.

I might have even unconsciously created this shitty situation because I wanted to learn boundaries, integrity and learn to be ok with not needing to identify as a “good person”.

When I FINALLY embraced the fact that this was so utterly important to me, I could Let go of it.

It’s hard having someone perceive you as bad, but I’m getting to be ok with that.

I don’t have to smile if I don’t feel like it or go that extra mile to make sure someone doesn’t have a pre-judgment about me. I can choose.

Often times I’ll smile or offer an extra service anyway because I genuinely do care about people, I know a heartfelt smile returns a smile and that feels good.

BUT I don’t NEED the external validation of being a GOOD person as much anymore.

TRY THIS

Check in and see why you do what you do. Instead of judging it, applaud it, embrace it, pat it on the back.

Eg. Oh there you go, cracking a joke and being loud for everyone to hear you because you’re really worried that people won’t like you.

It’s ok.

Eg. Look at you, getting all dressed up, overdoing it on the makeup and the new clothes because you want people to think you’re special.

It’s ok.

Eg. I just yelled at my boyfriend because he didn’t show me he loved me and I’m afraid that I’m not good enough to be loved.

IT'S OK.
 

When we get ok and can embrace those parts we don’t want others to see. Life gets a lot lighter.
 

No more extreme pressure to appear to be who we're not.

No need to suppress all those shadows and constantly create an entire strategy to avoid those parts ever being seen.

It’s ok.

All of you.

The self deprecating, longing for love, appreciation and value self is OK.

Sending my love to all those parts of you.

I will not be tamed.

The arial viewpoint from above the clouds between two countries.

I will not be tamed.

I hadn’t been a renter for 20 years until I came back to the bay area 5 years ago. I have had the privilege of learning about the societal hierarchy called tenant and landlord.

Landlord. (Note: my particular landlord is not meant to be a reference for this writing, I’m speaking of the idea of landlord in general.)

Do we still use this word?

The land LORD. And we are but the humble renters, void of freedom and will?

We can be kicked out, abused of, made to pay extraordinary costs, to have a roof above our heads, no need for a relationship or even face to face conversation. It’ s all in the contract.

We can be requested to remain quiet, to not change anything, to not put a screw in the wall, to not park more than 3 cars, to not fix your car, to not smoke outside, to not be able to leave as no one but us is allowed to pay any rent in the house.

We can become slaves to have a roof over our head. No vacations because each of us pays thousands of dollars a month and every hour counts.

Vacations become rarer as we think of the empty room sitting on piles of money each night we are gone.

Like letting food rot on your table. But rather something that costs more like caviar.

The landlord.

If you want to be free you must have money.

Buy your own multi-million-dollar home to rent it out to some vacationer, some lowly renter.

Buy your multi-million-dollar overpriced home for the view and the beach.

Beauty is for the privileged.

What! Did you say the privileged?

“I am not! I went to school, I work non-stop, I strived to get where I am now. I deserve my wealth. Thank you google, thank you technology and all the addicted users. “

Freedom or Slavery?

Is it really that house on the cliff overlooking the ocean that denies a home to a local who has lived here for 30 years? His home that was once off the beaten track has become paradise for the telecommuters.

Move away, once again, find a place that they haven’t discovered yet. And try to make it, without their money, without the system of slavery to the big dollar.

Who am I? Yes, 5 years ago I lived in a gypsy caravan, now I live in one of the biggest houses in this little beach town. I can’t say that I have found peace.

It’s not where you live, but who you live with.

It’s not the size, but the quality. (no pun intended)

I just came back from France today where I own a half an acre of land, a little gypsy caravan, a cabin and my latest handmade build; an octagonal deck. I sweated through each one of those tiny home builds and felt the satisfaction of their completion.

I spent my days in overalls and boots, carrying wood, digging holes, pouring cement, gardening, drilling, pounding nails.

I could just pay someone to do this. I could work for a few days in the bay area and have someone build it for me, instead of me slaving away 8 hours a day for 2 weeks.

I could.

But, there I’m free, I don’t have to ask anyone. I don’t have to not make noise after 10PM. I don’t have to ask to put in a screw in the wall. I don’t have to negotiate with roommates about décor.

I love having a big home in the SF Bay, I can concentrate on my work with somatic therapy, my clients, I can enjoy the beach, hiking, my white sheets.

I don’t own it. I borrow on someone else’s rules. I don’t feel deeply connected to this home, I don’t have my sweat and tears put in this home, heck I don’t even want to invest in buying an extra refrigerator shelf.

5 years ago, I came to SF to be bigger. To be a contribution. Now, I live in a big ol’ house that most people can’t afford. I get to receive people to my house and not be ashamed of it being too simple or not big enough. But yet I wonder in this illusion of grandeur, is it really something to be proud of?

What I love about life is choice.

I get to choose now. What kind of life do I want to have?

Whenever I’m in the airplane between France and SF, I get to see my life from a bird’s eye view and ask the question; am I in the right place? Is this the pathway in my life that I really want to be taking?

The “norm” sustains an unannounced race to get THERE. Nice house, financially lucrative job, then what?

• What else is there once you can afford to eat out, take vacations, buy your kids new stuff and host friends at your big house?

• Why do I feel a sense of boredom?

• Am I just working to pay my rent! Is this it?

• Is this the carrot they hold in front of your nose your whole life!

• Then what’s next?

• Own my home, become a landlord and live the good life of travel while someone else is following my rules and renting out my property. What is this old narrative I’m playing into; do I really still live in the Middle Ages?

Creativity is key when the societal norms become stifling.

I used to think the Bay area was the dream, creativity, spirituality, abundance, diversity, acceptance. You could be anything you want to be.

At least if you have $$$.

I am so grateful to this place. Yes, it has all that and more. YET. YET.

I don’t want to live in France again where I lived for 10 years. I felt stifled by the rules, the lack of positivity, the sensation that everything was the opposite of possible and I was poor.

My son says I complain a lot.

So, I’ll stop.

I like to think I’m just questioning the norm and checking in with myself. If this is the reality of things, is this ok for me or not; do I buy into this system or do I choose something else?

OR… do I just see things as they are and say “hey, things could be a lot worse elsewhere and I can thank my lucky stars that I live in a world of privilege.” And yes, we have a lot of privilege.

What do you think?

Would you trade comfort for freedom?

Or does comfort allow freedom?

To what point are we willing to lose freedom for the comfort we need to be free?

It’s a viscous circle.

But in the meantime, I thank my stars that I can afford to sit and ponder these questions.

Pondering allows us to live more intentionally and consciously.

Thank you for pondering with me.

I'm not a rock star

I’m not a rockstar
I'm about to bring you into a deep dive with me, are you ready? 
I went to a healing circle a few weeks ago where a program I had ingrained in my identity was removed.
When I was young, I used to see the world as a hurtful, cold, mean place and my room was my only safe space. I would decorate it to make it beautiful, I would surround myself by my drawings, flowers, dolphins, colors that felt relaxing to me. I was safe there.

I ran away from my family environment and travelled the world for 20 years. Searching beauty, novelty, and excitement and lust for life. At the same time, being at home in my little world wherever I went, whether it was my camper, or redecorating my cheap 1$ room in India with scarves and rearranging the furniture to make it more visually beautiful and energetically peaceful, even if it was just for one night.

Wherever I would go, I would create my little bubble.

Even when I did street shows for 10 years, I would set up my scenography in the middle of the street, I’d set up the curtain, roll out the black and white linoleum and decorate with boas and colors so that I could invite people to watch and take part of the space that I had curated and that I felt at home in.

Me with platinum blond hair performing a street show in Italy.

Over time, I learned that I had gifts, talents and things that only I could offer.

The more I let myself open to the world and feel the world, the more pain I felt.

Being an HSP (hyper sensitive person), reading the news or seeing others suffering was excruciatingly painful to me. I cry when trees get cut down, I cry if I see someone else suffer, I cry when I feel people’s pain in their bodies when I give bodywork.

I feel WITH. I am connected to Freaking everything.

Luckily, I now know how to not energetically carry that with me and to let it pass through me.

When I came to California 4 years ago, I left my 8-year-old son with his Dad in France, because I was struggling with money, depression and a sense of smallness. I felt a call to be my GREATEST CONTRIBUTION to the world and that I couldn’t do it in that situation.

I thought California was the hub, the nucleus with branches that reached out to the rest of the world. I thought that this was the place where I could grow, expand and become big, so that I could share my gifts and resources to help the world to heal.

The twisting knife-like constant pain in my heart of not being near my son was compensated by believing that I am fulfilling the calling to be a bigger contribution to the world in the place where I would have the most opportunity financially and socially.

But now, after the healing circle, the question came up. Well, WHY!? Why do I need to heal the world, why do I need to be my greatest potential, why do I need people to receive my gifts? Why do I need to be BIG?

This revelation flipped my world upside down, 2 weeks struggling with waves of depression, lack of motivation, confusion, a sense of blankness around my identity.

If that isn’t my identity anymore, well, who am I and what am I doing here?

I feel the world and the process that is happening.

I created an online offering which is tomorrow called Healing Ritual; moving beyond the pandemic. 

I had the desire to support people in healing and acknowledging the pain and trauma of the pandemic before being rushed into another distraction without properly closing the circle. I have so many tools to support this process, I KNOW how important it is. But no one, I mean NOOONE has signed up. (Hence it is Cancelled.) 

This is a repetitive story. I see what is needed, I know I have the tools to help, and no one sees how they might need it. Instead of me being able to simply offer the gift (I’m not doing it for the money.) I find myself spending all this time doing the busy work of promotion to get people to understand why they might need something like this. In the end, I become the needy one. The one who needs people to show up for me so that I can offer a gift.

Well, “Fuck that,” says my deluded self. I’m going to stick to working 1:1 with people who actually pay 200$/hour who want to better their lives, who see the benefit of working with me and truly value the resources I have to offer.

I feel sad. I feel really, really sad. I don’t want people to hurt, I don’t want people to live unconsciously hurting others. I want to help more people on a massive scale, but it seems like that’s not what people want.

So here I am, ranting on my captive audience.

Why am I sharing all this?

Once again, my uncontrollable innate desire to support others and help people move towards a more beautiful life and world drives me. I want to validate my own authentic and vulnerable self to give others the opportunity to so also.

There is the bitter part of me who really wants to say FUCK THEM. I’m going to take care of myself because nobody wants what I have to offer anyway. Welcome back to childhood trauma, I was never told I was anything special and here I am trying to get someone to think I am.

I’m glad I’ve been able to transform and support my 1:1 clients. (And, when I do pull together group offerings, it’s incredible, powerful and people are deeply moved).

I wish I could transform the whole world, I always thought I have the energy of BONO of U2 when he sings In the name of love and 10,000 people sing it at the same time. But I guess my sad little heart will have to settle for not being a rock star and love 1 person or just a few at a time, the ones who actually need what I have to offer 1:1.

Sending care from this place of self-doubt and vulnerability. Guessing I’ll lose a few subscribers and a few clients who thought I was a rock star and had it all together.

Hi, it’s just me. I have a few tools. I’ve helped a few people. And I’m not a rock star.

Blessings. Carly

How to manifest your wildest dreams.

So, you want to manifest your biggest dreams, yeah, yeah, yeah, don’t stop reading yet. I know you’ve watched The Secret, read How to Manifest Wealth, Think and Be Rich, the power of Attraction, and for some reason it didn’t work. (If it did, I would love to hear your story.)

I’m telling you, This shit works.

If, you do it RIGHT.

I am here to freak out about my latest manifestation and to share exactly how I did it so that you can manifest your own magic.

Since the last 9 months, I have come to a point where I am ready to step into my power, and be of service to something greater than myself, in service of all beings.

I know that the tools and my gifts are more than ever needed in this world.

Except, here I am, living out of a suitcase, hopping from home to home since the last 4 months. Hard to feel focus, clarity and mission when I have to go to my car to look for the pasta, salt and toothpaste.

I feel alive and my soul sparkles in Bolinas, on the California coast, my home since the last 4 years. Popular rumor says it is one of the hardest places in the world to find a home, even if you have money.

When I am in Bolinas, every cell in my body says, I am home. The nature, the people, the community.

My options, live in a camper, a trailer for 1900$/ month, a non-insulated yurt for 1800$/ month or leave town.

I get a proposal from a realtor who saw my public post looking for housing, she tells me about an apartment in Stinson Beach. Stinson, just 12 minutes away by car. Just a short icy swim across a 200ft. channel to get to Bolinas. I can see myself doing that, then hanging out in a soggy wet suit in Bolinas all day. That’s not bad. Right?

Isn’t it funny how we can contort our minds to believe that something is ok for us when we know it’s not?

Stinson Beach. People don’t smile at you and wave when you pass like they do in Bolinas. It’s noisy and 90% tourists. I see the apartment, it’s sweet, I can afford it, but my whole body feels heavy and my heart drops.

Settling for second best.

I return to the wild solitary beach in Bolinas and just know. THIS is my home! I am GOING to live here.

Ok, here we go…now that I know what I want, I can ask for it.

Time to pull out the ol’ ritual.

Here’s how it went; I’m sharing because I’m guessing you may want to manifest something in your life and perhaps you need some extra powers to make it happen. Here’s the steps I created.

Wake up 4:30 AM (ok not necessary, but I was jet lagged)

1. Prepare space

            Candles, Anugama shamanic music, tarot cards, rocks, stones, sage, drawing stuff, paper, pen, yes go all out, this is a ritual, throw on the extra patchouli.

2. Draw what I most deeply desire

            I abstractly painted THE FEELING of the house I wanted. No thoughts, no exact requests, no architectural plans, just the feeling. (P.S. your kids crayons work too.)

3. Dance like a mad woman

            I looked at my drawing and let my body move to the sound of shamanic music, letting my body incorporate the feeling of what it would be like to be in this house in BOLINAS.

4. Yell and Request like a mad woman

            I made it super clear to the universe what I wanted and why while stomping my feet and jumping up and down, (I’m sure the neighbors loved that). I told them, (not the neighbors, the universe)  “Hey, if I am to be of service to this earth and to be fully in my power, I need a place where I can be my greatest contribution. I need a home where I can receive clients, where I can be nourished, where I can hold space for friends and gatherings, I need it to feel financially doable and I need to know by Dec. 1st (I did this Nov. 25th)!!”

5. Write up the exchange

            I wrote down clearly everything that came up about this home during my dance and mainly in first person like it was already there. Eg.  In this home I am able to hold space for gatherings, have clients, etc.… and in exchange I offer myself to be of greatest service to others and for the benefit of all beings.

6. Let go of the blockages

            I stood up and imagined all the thoughts and beliefs that could energetically block this from happening. I swiped them away with my hands and stomped them down, yelled them away and replaced them with the opposite. Ex. Playing small, thinking I don’t have enough money, thinking it’s impossible to have a house in Bolinas, etc.…

7. Gratitude

            This is the moment of deep trust that my message had been heard and the light beings, energy, etc. heard and are working on answering my request. I offered verbal heartfelt prayers of gratitude.

And there you go. They are working on it and now the biggest and hardest part is to…

8. LET GO.

            And trust that your request was heard. You become that energy of what you want and now you have to let go of it happening.

What!? You just did a whole 2-hour ritual and adamantly told the whole universe that you are going to have that thing and now you have to just let go!!? Why?

Because, if you get all tight and start holding on to the result. ENERGY STOPS FLOWING.

We are working with ENERGY.

Manifestation works because thoughts/ beliefs/ words/ ideas are energy. You are energy, everything is energy. Energy syncs up to other energy, this is why everybody looks badly at you when you are in a bad mood. This is why everything is beautiful and perfect and life offers you roses when you’re in love. The energy you become is what life offers you. If you get tight around a result and start controlling that it is going to happen, stress out, wonder when it’s going to happen, etc. Your energy doesn’t let things flow in, because you put out the energy that you are lacking and life will keep showing you how much you lack.

When you believe something is hard, it will be hard.

When make it CLEAR what you want, you trust with ease and the energy will align with the energetic vibration you put off and it happens on its own.

Figure out what you want, ask and let the universe figure out the how.

MAGIC.

And then 1 hour after my ritual, I got an email from the realtor who tells me about an enormous house, in Bolinas.

And., I happen to have a friend who is looking for housing in Bolinas and does similar work and has a similar vision.

2 weeks of credit checks, referrals, other applicants, etc.

And today, we got approved!!

This house is freaking…. OMG

Really!!??

It’s gorgeous!

Views, space, this could be a retreat space!

Holy MOLY

Are you serious, me!? Like tiny house me?

This is like 20 times the size!

I’m going to pass out, but I can’t.

Ok, I’m going to run around a parking lot screaming and jumping.

AMAZING.

It’s like when you get what you ask for and it’s so huge and scary and awesome all at the same time that you don’t know if you should scream for joy or pass out.

Move in date January 1st.

Next step, manifestation of a third perfect person to share this home.

So, what are you going to manifest in 2022? You are meant to grow & thrive, not to just settle.

#1 Clarify what you want.

#2 Ask for it and feel like it’s already there in your body.

#3 Let go of the beliefs that block it from happening.  

#4 Trust and let your intuition help you act on the opportunities that come your way.  

Sounds easy, but hard to do right?

Do you find it hard to truly trust and has life shown you a different experience?

Do you feel angst and a deep desire for something that makes your soul sing and you just can’t seem to find a way for it to happen?

You want to feel aligned with what you do, who you are and what your life looks like, right?

Who doesn’t?

But maybe you can actually do it.  Yeah you. YOU. YOU! YOU!!!!!!

Go ahead, give yourself a kick in the ass and get off the train of slow moving, going nowhere special, I don’t know the destination.

Life is now, let’s make it magic.

I hope the example ritual above can support you to design one for yourself and what you would like to manifest into your life in 2022.

If you’d like some support around clarifying what you do want, what is blocking it from happening and how to shift that and make things actually happen according to what makes your soul sparkle… I’m here to help.

Feel free to hop on the phone with me and let’s just chat about what’s going on for you and what you need to get on the path to make your dreams really happen.

 Photo credit https://www.claudiagoetzelmann.com/

You know how much your kids can drive you crazy?

Always asking, always needing! Tie my shoe, make me dinner, she pulled my hair, bla bla bla.
And we say we adore them. We LOOOOOVE our kids. We feel fulfilled.
Our lives mean something to someone. We feel a sense of importance and protectiveness. Don’t touch my kid, or I’ll kill you.
We build a big house for our kids, we work all day to make money for our kids. We forget ourselves for our kids.
And then it’s mother’s day and they finally give us some recognition and all that hard relentless ungrateful work is paid off. They give you flowers, cards with hearts that say I love you, you are the best mom in the world. They might even give you breakfast in bed.
We love them. Those perfect wonderful little monsters.
Well, I didn’t go that route. I left.
I went to the other side of the world.
I went to go feel fulfilled, fill my calling, my purpose.
It definitely wasn’t just being a mother.
How could I put all my sense of purpose into making him shower, making dinner, cleaning the dishes, reading the bedtime story, and taking him to school?
I felt so dead. But those darn hormones. Somehow we are wired to unconditionally love and adore our kids, even if they suck us dry.
Do I sound bitter?
Actually, I don’t live with my child.
He lives in France, 11 years old. I left France when he was 8 because no matter how much I adored him, I wanted to die.
I struggled making enough money to have a decent house.
I was constantly running around left and right teaching yoga, giving a class, social engagements, I was soooo busy. I didn’t have time in my headspace for a child that needed me.
And, he is about the most brilliant amazing child anyone can have. (I know, I’m biased).
One day, life was ok. The next day, I was utterly depressed.
I won’t write a 200-page novel, but it happened that I found myself in San Francisco for 6 weeks in 2017 for a somatic movement and expressive arts therapy training.
The second I arrived in SF, every cell in my body SCREAMED “I HAVE TO BE HERE!”
My son’s father (he is French, we are separated since my boy was 3.) said “ok, you can go. But you can’t take my son with you.”
I decided to try 6 months. And now 3 and a half years later, I’m still here.
And thus, my reality is, my heart can only handle not seeing my son for a maximum of two months.
After 2 months it becomes agonizingly painful.
I used to break down at random moments if I would even see a child his age. I’d have to run to the bathroom where I would crumble to the floor and wail uncontrollably.
So, I live two parallel lives. One as a mom in France every two months for 2-4 weeks and as a single wild woman who lives in Bolinas next to the ocean.
And you know what. Now, when I see my son, I savor every second.
I love going to be demolished by him on the soccer field as I run after the ball, my heart pounding out of my chest.
I love eating dinner with him.
I love waking up to take him to school.
I love doing homework.
I love almost crashing as he urges me on the bumpy trails as I attempt to do off road biking with him.
And we get to have adventures together. We travel together. He comes to visit me. We go on road trips. I take him to Bali, Portugal, Italy, etc… We have fun together.

What’s the point?

What’s the point?

Today is Mother’s Day and as I long to hold him and squeeze his sweet little cheeks, he’s not here. I’m not there.
And I know in my heart that this deep sadness is mixed with gratitude and joy. For the gift I get to have each time I see him.
I know the pain and beauty of love that hurts and fills me to overflow.
I feel his hug in my cells, and I smile with a sense of longing and a sense of stillness, because I know, I’m in the right place. I’ve made the right decision. I get to live both lives. Being a mom. And being a wild woman.
I know some of you are mom’s, some are not. (and...some of you are father’s)
I think there is no right way to be a good mom. I know we can question ourselves and feel like we aren’t doing it right or we’re not giving enough, or we give too much.
I guess, with this long story, I just want to honor you.
Because it’s not easy, it doesn’t always seem to pay off, but we never count what we give. For those of you who stick to it, who are full time, hats off to you. For those who are part time or not even sure if you want kids, hats to you too.
I just want to say, there are a million different variants and we must all find our way.
Happy Mother’s Day. To all you mom’s who are still finding your way.
Carly

a 1 min. gift to honor all mother’s.

Chicago airport musings

I just paid $7.45 cents for a café mocha. 

Since when did that become normal?

Didn’t that used to be the price of a meal? 

As I sit at a metal aluminum desk staring out the window at scaffolding and a metal and glass structure. 

I am sitting next to a pilot. I feel kind of special, sitting next to someone who is responsible for people’s lives. Weren’t pilots’ women’s fantasies at one time?

What is it, the uniform, the importance, the surrender to let them manipulate us across the open sky? Definitely sexy. Although this one is rather old and not at all sexy, and I’m secretly hoping he doesn’t glance over at this writing as he’s only 3 feet away. 

Every time I travel between France and the US, it gives me this weird moment in time. I’m not here or there, I’m in between. The time zone is off, my body is off, my brain feels slightly off, I’m kind of floating between security and passport controls. 

I thought I lost my passport, I just arrived to Chicago from Dublin. I ran to the bus that took me to the terminal and asked the driver to check, the bus was full. They made everyone get off the bus grumbling. 

It wasn’t there. I checked my bag again, there it was. I informed the bus assistant, he just nodded his head disapprovingly, I thought he would congratulate me for being so flighty to have not found it the first time. 

Chicago. Maybe they’re not as fun as Californians’.

Isn’t it funny how we make assumptions about a whole city based on a few people we meet or know?

For me Chicago is filled with Black people, kind of tough, super humid and lots of junk food. 

In Dublin, it was full of people with great accents, one guy asked if he could help me lift up my suitcase, I told him  “I am technically strong enough, thank you.” I wonder if I was refusing his gallantry and resorting to my feminist, I can do everything a man can do attitude. I felt bad and almost wanted to apologize to him for not letting him feel important. 

Based on him, I’m assuming all Irish men are gallant and friendly. Although he wasn’t red headed and cute as I heard they were supposed to be. I did see Irish people drinking beer in the airport, so at least that fits the stereotype. 

Ok, so where’s the moral of the story? Why are you reading all the way to here, what’s the clincher!? 

I don’t know I’m trying to find it as I write. 

I just watched a movie on the plane about a writer, now I want to be one too today. 

I made a discovery, on the plane my general rule is I reevaluate my life, clean out my phone and computer and write out a new business project. 

Today when meditating, I was told to slow down. 

I’m not supposed to come up with a new project, no new business plan, no new life change. Nope. Just live things fully as they are with the intention that life is going to open up the direction towards what my deepest service will be in the world. 

My friend came with me to open dance in the park the other day, she felt shy. She said “ok, I’m just going to sit here for 20 mins. and judge everybody, then I’ll be fine.”

So, I’m just going to finish judging everyone too, and be ok with that, so that maybe I can move on and let life enchant me once again. 

How I manifest parking spots and my wildest dreams

5 mins. of comic spiritual relief

How I manifest parking spots and my wildest dreams.  

Boring. Manifestation. Everyone talks about that hippy dippy woo woo stuff, but come on this is reality. You can’t just manifest parking spots and houses, jobs, your perfect partner, etc. You have to work for it, go get it, move your ass, make things happen. You can’t just send off a wish and expect some god-like figure to organize everyone else to make your wish happen. Come on, let’s get real. RIGHT? RIGHT? 

Sorry, you’re not going to get an agreement from me, a self proclaimed tree hugger and active manifester, who thoroughly believes in energy and making magic happen.

Actually, I am also quite left-brained. I don’t believe anything until I experience it for myself. 

That’s why I believe in making magic, because I know it works. I do it all the time. 

5 MINS. of COMIC SPIRITUAL RELIEF ABOUT MANIFESTATION AND MAGIC

Take my last magical manifestation. 

The Scene: I need to move desperately. My relationship is not going well, I’m feeling stifled. We’re in serious tension. I need a home. 

But, I have super high expectations, I won’t just live anywhere. I want to only live in gorgeous places surrounded by nature, that are less than an hour from San Francisco, near the ocean and not pay too much rent. I want to live in Bolinas. 

Great. There is not one advertisement for any place to rent in Bolinas or even west marin. The average price to buy a house out here is 3 million dollars. I know people that have spent years looking for a home to rent in Bolinas and never found it. I decided I need a place within 1 month. 

I start asking around. I get two proposals. One, from a wonderful artist friend who proposes I can stay in a mini school bus, where my head doesn’t quite fit in. The idea is charming and bohemian. But not quite what I’m imagining. 

Then I have another option, a cabin. It’s the size of a bathroom with a loft for the bed. The condition: I have to walk two dogs, 3 times a week at 7 in the morning. Oh, by the way, the dogs attack other dogs. 

Those are my options. 

My desperation grows. 

Hmmm. Perhaps I can buckle down and commit to the walking the dog thing. I can become a serious reliable person with a steady morning routine. Why can’t I get excited about this!? The rent is cheap. I can afford it. I hesitate. 

The weeks pass. I’m seriously considering the dog and bathroom size cabin option. 

I need to tell the owner by MONDAY if I’ll take it or not. 

I talk to my therapist. She says, "Well, it sounds like you’re really good at manifesting, why don’t you do a ritual and manifest it?" 

FRIDAY. I go to the beach and create a ritual. 

First, I write down all the things I’m thankful to Bolinas for. I do a thank you dance. (Thank god no-one was there on the beach.)

Then I draw my house. I envision it. I feel it in every cell of my body. I can see it, I see the white couch, the windows, the light. It’s near the ocean. I’ve seen this image already multiple times in my head. 

Then I yell out loud at the top of my lungs. "Bolinas spirits of the land! People of Bolinas! Houses of Bolinas! If I am to be a contribution here and this place is for me then you find me a house by MONDAY!!!" 

Then I do another weird manifestation dance and go home. 

SUNDAY. A friend I haven’t spoken to in over a year reaches out. She used to live in Bolinas, I mention my situation, she mentions that she has a friend there who might have a place to rent for a month or so. 

I call her friend. She says come on by on MONDAY. 

I go by. I enter the garden, it feels like an ashram. Flowers everywhere. Paradisiacal. It’s 1 block from the beach. The owner comes out, the feeling is warm, her partner offers me tea. I feel welcomed immediately. 

She shows me to the studio on the other side of the garden. The second I step in. I see the image I had in my mind for over a month and the one I saw on the beach. 

I tell her immediately I want to live there. Amazing. 

We are Agreed. Move in April 1. 

BUT… it might just be for two months as her mother might be coming back. 

I decide to move in and bring everything I have anyway. 

A week after moving in. She announces her mom isn’t coming back. 

SO…

I CAN STAY. 

And now, I’m here. How do I feel? 

Exactly the same embodied feeling I had when I was manifesting this place. 

I know, long story. 

Manifestation. Magic. I do it all the time.
For parking spots. For places to live. For  massage clients. For meeting new friends, etc. 

How can you do it?
Believe in every cell of your body that what you want exists and is in your life. And trust the universe to organize it for you. And... ACT! when the universe offers you an opportunity. 

Everything is made of energy. 

When you become the vibration of what you want to manifest, the universe matches it. It’s called resonance. 

When you strum a chord on a guitar, another guitar in the room will sound the same chord on it’s own. 

Thus manifestation and magic work by YOU already becoming that what you want to manifest. 

The only thing keeping things from happening is not believing that you can really have what you desire and trying to control. 

A channeled conversation about purpose, significance and more

April 24, 2021 CHANNELED CONVERSATION

My questions are in bold and responses in italic.. I asked questions about my path, but the responses seem to speak to all people, wanted to share.

Why and what are we doing here and how is our relationship to the whole disconnected at such a young age?

If we are truly connected to the grand macrocosm and all is in an inherent balance, why is it that we disconnect from our natural state of being and inherent interconnection to the world around us as a vital part contributing to the whole?

Go back to when you were in the womb. As a fetus you swam in the ocean of a cosmic consciousness, your cells, veins, neurons, beating heart, beat to the same sound and vibration of the universe. You as a DNA, you as a cell that split multiple times contained all the information of the entire universe.

Who are you?

I am all, I am god, I am you, I am cosmic consciousness, I am the consciousness of all beings, I am the nectar of all life.

So why do we disconnect, why do we grow into unhappy human beings that destroy everything, why do we end up with parents that don’t love or value us as they should? Why do our parents suffer and pass that on to their children?

The very act of being born is a brutal break from the space of all consciousness, the very act of being born is suffering. The moment when you become disconnected to the mother, which is the all.

Your first breath is a cry. You long to return to the space of fusion where nothing is separate.

The pain of being separated is excruciating.

Then why do we have to go through that?

I’ve already explained it to you numerous times but you must understand in your deepest essence that you are here to travel a path that has no beginning and no end that always moves from the source back to the source.

You cling to your suffering because when you are born, you experience the experience of separation, you inhabit your body, your mind, your sense of self, excluded from the whole. Your journey is not only to reappropriate the whole but to come to a broader consciousness of what it means to be part of a whole as multiple beings.

You are not alone, you are multiple beings, you believe to be called Carly as a single being yet you are multiple. You are you in multiple life times as multiple people and on multiple time scales and planes. You are affecting yourself and all your own projections of you simultaneously.

I don’t understand then why I have such a strong sense of self that I wake up to each morning.

You remind yourself constantly who you are, your brain is constantly giving you thoughts and feedback that reminds you of who you are. When you detach from your reassuring mind, you are no longer an identity, you just are, unlimited without borders.

Yet if I go look at myself in the mirror, it is always me.

I can be surprised by what I look like, but there is always a reason, if I shift consciousness or come out of a state of meditation, I still look the same. How does this work?

If you shifted the energetic composition of all your cells, you would look different. Each cell contains information and energetic frequency that circulate constantly, as you shift, so they shift, but they shift slowly as their make-up was created since birth. Look at a child, as their consciousness shifts, so does their appearance but their DNA and the traits passed on remain as you can recognize a young child when they are older, but in no way are they the same person. They contain remnants of the biological inscription affected by the make-up of their lives.

Ok so let’s get down to the nitty gritty. What the hell should I be doing? I ask it all the time, I don’t know if I should be massaging or offering classes or doing shows, etc.

I feel like there is a purpose and a direction, I don’t know If I have the sole power of that or how am I influenced by what the world needs or the larger global necessity.

No molecule is unaffected by its environment, you are constantly adjusting and being influenced by your environment, the general needs and your needs shift at every moment.

So how can I focus on an offering that can be well paid if I constantly shift?

Find the deep empathic embrace of the world and above all your current environment. As a part of the whole, you know what is most needed because your soul is constantly looking to integrate. It sees the gaps to be filled and the space in the puzzle that is your natural makeup in this instant.

So how do I understand that?

Recognize first that you are a necessary part of the whole. Recognize your natural state of well-being and how that fits into a larger picture. Nurture the parts of you that excel, that feel alive, that vibrate ecstatically.

Be drawn to the people and places that delight you, that call you, that say you are needed here.

How can I orient my work around that, can you give me exact ideas of how to promote my work or have people want to come to me?

Dance. Speak. Share. Invite. Open your arms and hold. Invite a space, a place, an invitation. Be an invitation for collaboration. Be a space of warmth, be a space of welcome, be a space of feeling, be a space of genuine listening, be a space of deep nourishing health, be a space of freedom and laughter, be a space of compassion and warmth, be a space of singing and joy.

 Let people in, let people in, let people in.

Embrace them. Hold them. Love them. Open to them. You are touched by the divine scepter of God, you have multiple beings with you, on your side, awaiting you to move with them and call on them. You have so many, you can hold every one of these people that you desire to enter into your life. You have the ability to hold space for multiple beings and to allow breakthrough deep transformation and connection to happen.

HOW!?

Go dance. Trust. Remember that you are holding a space of softness and freedom and divine play.

PLAY DIVINELY, my child. Do not be weighed down by your idea of financial need or by the need to help and support others, it is simply a warm embrace that you can hold when you are filled. Fill yourself, be yourself, live the beauty of yourself and share it with joyful open arms… simply. And your cup will always be filled. You have nothing to worry about. Your cup will always be filled whenever you desire.

Settling

Settling.

I reveal a sacred space where time exhausted itself.

Beyond the barriers of time I rode across an empire. 

Dabbling in the dirty soil of puddles gone haywire. 

I knew this was the end of a long journey. 

Feet settled on driftwood, cactuses in the distance. 

The horizon was pink with faded rose dusty petals. 

I felt hope as the warm wind caressed between my legs. 

The journey began in alone desolate place. 

Of shotguns and greering faces with missing teeth. 

They raped and stole my identity and ate it for dinner. 

Writhing dripping saliva, ripping away my flesh.

I died a death of absence. 

The seasons slipped between my fingers as cherry blossoms dithered their way onto a quiet immobile, cold, statuesque face.

She awoke with a grasp and a sacred laughter awoke her-

The dance tickled her tummy and she knew she was not dead- 

just a state of impermanent intermission.

Delicately feet settle into the dusty spring- wash away the cobwebs-

they are all dead and gone. 

She rides the wind of a horse’s fury as the delicious breeze licks her lips and ignites her skin. 

Her life is here. 

She is alive. 

Riding on the wind.

—Carly Ko

How does your body tell me it's secrets?

What does it mean to be guided by something greater than oneself?

How can you know if what you suspect is a greater force is not simply yourself?

I close my eyes, I go into a mediative state, meaning I let go of the thoughts and images that are dancing constantly in my brain. Even if just for a moment. Enough to be able to ask for some higher wisdom from a guide, a light being or my higher self.

I request and at that point I can receive. It may be simply asking silently, are you there?

 Meaning, have I arrived in this intuitive space where it is not me controlling the answers? Then I hear the word yes. And sometimes I don’t, and I must get quiet in my brain again and lift my consciousness above me, and I ground my feet below me. Then I ask again, are you there? Then I hear yes. Then I can go in and ask all my seemingly so human questions. I talk about my feelings, my frustrations, my jealousies, my difficulty to choose, etc. I sound like a child. Then I wait, I release the furrows between my eyebrows, then I wait for the answer. If I want the answer too badly, it doesn’t come, I have to ALLOW it to come in, and at the same time ALLOW for it not to come in. Only when I can let go of the control, does it come easily, lightly and clearly. I receive a message or an emotion or an image.

 I must trust it, whatever it is. It is there that the intuitive guidance arrives, and so often we brush it off as a random thought. For me, trusting those random thoughts has consistently been spot on in the readings I have given.

There are no fireworks, voices coming through me, shuddering and eyes rolling to the back of my head, just an image, thought, a word that arrives and I must trust it, grasp it, acknowledge it immediately & perhaps share it our loud.

At other times I hear the voice speaking to me often starting with “my child…” I feel loved, supported, cared for and the voice is always so wise and can see beyond what seems so blatant and real. It sees the bigger picture, the source of the difficulty, the energetic solution. It is so clear and evident.

At times, I am searching desperately for an answer, especially when a person I massage asks me, what is happening in my shoulder? Meaning what is the psychosomatic reason or memory stored in the blockage in my shoulder? Carly Ko doesn’t know; I have to ask.

Carly Ko is afraid of not knowing the answer. But then I can let go, and I ask and strangely the answer arrives. To be sure, I ask, is this coming from me or from their higher self-telling me? Sometimes I get ME. Meaning, I’m creating my own story and I have to let go and wait for a different response.

Can you do this too?

Yes, I think you can.

What is this? Is it a guide, a being, do we have a higher self that knows all?

When I ask my light guides what they are, it explains that I am energy and that when I tap into a space beyond the confines of my own body, energy has no bounds, no time, no space, it is connected to all things and all things can be revealed.

Hard to understand in my own little brain, but energetically it makes sense.

Can you try it?

Sure.

Step one, find a quiet space and relax and use meditation techniques to clear the mind of brain chatter.

Connect your feet to the earth and let your upper body rise towards the light. Allow the crown of your head to open and let a white light flow into your body.

Then ask if you have a guide or if any being or even your higher self is there, ask until you feel a YES.

The first time I asked, I felt a wave of love flow into my body and the joy was immense. I had the desire to cry. It may or may not be the same with you.

Once you have asked if there is a guide, you can proceed with your questions, and let your mind be silent enough to hear them. If nothing comes, let one word begin to be spoken in your mind, even if it comes from you and see where it leads. Or you can write. Write the question, and wait for the answer to arise as you write simultaneously.

For me, having the ability to access higher guidance has helped me see clearer regarding my relationship, lift my spirits and know that there is a higher plan for me, allowed me to step out of multiple situations that were scary and where I didn’t have the answers. I talk to my guides daily.

I invite you to begin. You have the ability to access all knowledge, if you ask you will receive…

How to use normal activities to rewire your brain for success.

4 Tips for Easing Household Tension During Self-Isolation

If your family has been self-isolating for the past few months because of the COVID-19 pandemic, you may feel like you are at your wit’s end. Whether you are working from home while trying to make sure your young children don’t get into trouble, or you have older kids who are frustrated by missing out on certain milestones, tensions might be running high in your household. Even as some states ease up on social distancing restrictions, life still doesn’t feel quite “normal,” and many kids are struggling to adjust. These tips will help you address several common issues that families have faced during the pandemic and cultivate a happier atmosphere in your home.

Processing Complicated Emotions

The past few months have been a very emotional time for everyone, and your kids may have complicated feelings about everything going on in the world. Without an outlet, they may be more prone to tantrums or outbursts.

Set aside time to work on art projects with your kids, which will give them an opportunity to express themselves. Art is especially beneficial for children with disabilities, who can gain confidence as they explore their creativity. Get materials for finger painting, clay sculpting, or making fun collages, and let your kids go where their imaginations take them. Don’t forget to compliment their finished work!

Avoiding Boredom

Many of your children’s favorite pastimes, like playing team sports or going to kid-friendly museums, may be off limits right now. Therefore, you’ll need to find ways to stave off their boredom. When your kids get bored, they may be more likely to get irritated and pick fights, so it’s in your best interest to help them stay entertained.

You may want to buy a few age-appropriate gadgets that can help alleviate boredom, such as smartphones or basic fitness watches designed for kids. If you want to guarantee that you’re investing in devices that are right for your child’s age group, you can check out some helpful information provided by companies like Verizon. Yes, kids should have a balance between screen time and physical activity, but purchasing the right gadgets can definitely help you enjoy some peace and quiet in your household!

Getting Enough Sleep

During these stressful times, you and your family members may be having trouble sleeping. Your kids might be tossing and turning every night. But when everyone is struggling with a lack of sleep, you can easily end up dealing with high tensions in your household.

Try to get to bed a little earlier each night, and take steps to ensure that your children are sleeping properly. To create a soothing bedtime routine for your kids, Our Parenting Life suggests asking yourself a few important questions like, “Which comfort objects do they need to sleep with?” and “What should definitely be included in their nighttime rituals?” By determining the answers to these questions, you’ll be able to make sure that your children sleep soundly. Try focusing on calming activities like meditation or yoga before bed. Discover Brillia suggests trying fun, animal-themed yoga poses like cat pose, butterfly pose, and rabbit pose!

Giving Everyone Space

One problem plaguing families in isolation? In a full house, it can be hard to find space for yourself. Even young children need “me time,” and without it, everyone feels a little cranky. Let your children know that if they need time for themselves, it is okay to let other family members know not to bother them. They can choose quiet, solo activities like reading, playing with their stuffed animals, or even simply taking a nap.

Self-isolation has been especially difficult for families with children, and parents everywhere have had to deal with problems that they never imagined themselves facing. It can be hard to support your children and focus on your own well-being during such a tough time. But by tackling these issues head on, you can lower tensions in your household and put smiles on your children’s faces!

Photo via Pexels

Article by Emma Grace Brown